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November 18, 2007
Two Year Anniversary, November 18, 2007
Hadrienne Kathleen Mendonsa
December 30, 1995-November 19, 2005
this past monday, november 12, 2007, was yet another court date for the young man that killed our daughter. he applied for diversion back at the end of the summer. apparently, you can only apply for diversion if you are a first time offender. the assistant district attorney, who is prosecuting this case, has denied the diversion. this decision is now being appealed. what it will mean if diversion is now granted by the judge is that after this is all over this case will be expunged from this young mans record. it will be like it never existed for him. he will never have to put it on a job application that he was responsible for and convicted of a crime; a crime that killed hadrienne.
the next hearing date will not be until january 28, 2008. this is exactly what happened around this time last year. we were, again sent home with absolutely nothing being done, and this young man gets to enjoy being with his family for yet another thanksgiving and christmas. we are beginning to feel like bill murray in "groundhog day," only without the mystery.
the 18th, the night of her accident, was on a friday night 2 years ago. sunday, the 20th, was the day they took hadrienne off of life support while we held her hand and watched the simulation of life cease. it is odd that today, sunday, november 18th, combines memories for all that took place for both days, starting with the call i received on the apartment phone (where we were living in atlanta with asher while he was going through outpatient therapy at Shepherd) from the officer on the accident site telling me that hadrienne had been in an accident and was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance (it was several hours after receiving that call before i was able to find out any more information about her condition. that news came while i was sitting in traffic on I-75 desperately trying to get back to chattanooga to hadrienne.), through sunday afternoon (20th) the day hadrienne was taken off of life support and in far too many ways we were to.
it is very difficult to be able to explain what it is like for us, now, and calendar dates. so much of our lives revolves around specific dates. dates are road markers in our lives for events: birthdays, anniversaries, holidays (both religious and secular). many of these dates have very profound meanings for us and affect us just as profoundly as we anticipate their arrival as well as the actual celebration of them. Before Asher was injured, we all looked forward to the celebration of the things that most of us look forward to, especially late fall, beginning with Thanksgiving. Following Thanksgiving, for us, the month of December was almost a continuous time of celebration beginning with gloria and my wedding anniversary on the 11th, then asher's birthday on the 22nd, of course Christmas day (which was also one of our dog's birthdays), and finally hadrienne's birthday on the 30th.
Since everything happened for our kids in December, gloria and i decided, when our kids were pretty small, that we would have a mid-year birthday celebration for them. this always happened around June, which was also when my birthday is.
Now, all of the dates that we once looked so forward to celebrating, have all become memorials to the many catastrophic tragedies our family has suffered. It is not, at all, my intention to pass on what we are feeling and going through right now, and even at other times of the year that mark other significant memorial dates. Based on outward appearance, i think that for most people who know us and come into contact with us both frequently and infrequently, we seem pretty much back to our old selves. That is always the problem we face when assessments are made based on outward appearances only. Often gloria and i are asked how we are doing, and the ones who generally ask this are well meaning and truly concerned for us, but i still don't know how to answer this question. any answer i give cannot possibly communicate anything at all relatable to most of those who are asking. many times i am tempted to just respond with: how would you be doing under the same circumstances? This would be a very cruel and unfair response on my part, i know, because there is no possible way for most people to even begin to base a response, if they even could, on anything remotely relatable.
so, what keeps us going on in a life that has become a calendar year of memorials which is compounded by the short leash that those who serve as caregivers wear on behalf of those they serve? any explanation that excluded faith would be shallow and empty at best. hope for a better day, even if that day lies beyond our earthly existence, is something that we must remind ourselves of continuously. that is part of it. for gloria, the flower shop she and her close friend sue wright have opened together, by her own admission, is keeping her sane. for me, it is looking at the greater needs of others, both here in chattanooga, as well as in many other parts of the world. our lives seem to have become one continuous motion of serving others.
and asher, the whole reason this blog was set up, where is he in all of this? i think for the first time, since i first told him that hadrienne had died, he has talked about what the loss of hadrienne has meant to him as her brother. it was the night before the hearing last week. he asked if he could go to the hearing and tell the judge what her death has done to him. after his accident hadrienne became so much of his strength for going forward. there were so many plans they were making for after he was finished with therapy and we all came back to chattanooga. almost everything else had been taken away from asher as a result of his accident, at least, he was able to count on hadrienne, who had always been there for him growing up.
recently, asher said to us in response to something we were talking about, "my life sucks, it is so boring and depressing," and yet his demeanor in expressing this was neither bored nor depressed. it was like he was half joking when he said it, even though we knew he meant it. we knew it was not being said by someone who had given up or had sunk into the depths of feeing sorry for himself, rather he was just stating it as fact, and nothing else. regardless of what was behind it, the words break a parents heart, none-the-less.
very few visitors come to see asher anymore, particularly not those that came so faithfully throughout the time of the unknown. this is understandable and not a reason for hurt feelings or bitterness. many, many new friends have come in and out of asher's life over the past 2 years and no doubt, there will be many more to come. to explain more than this, i am afraid, would be to violate asher's privacy. suffice to say that the complexities of this new life takes more understanding than most people have the time or inclination to pursue, and understandably so.
with thanksgiving coming up, only one more thing comes to mind: "Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise–the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." this reminds me of something that david said when he was about to offer up a sacrifice to god and someone offered to give him the oxen for it. his response was something to the effect of not being willing to offer up a sacrifice to god that cost him nothing (2 samuel 24:24). how much, or many of the daily sacrifices that we offer up to god either in offerings of thanks, or deeds of service, cost us nothing. in this country, based on my own life, the answer would have to be little or nothing. unfortunately, there usually seems to be a built in beneficiary clause with our name on it that is factored in as part of the equation with much of what we give and do, either individually or corporately, on behalf of others.
blessings and thanksgiving,
andy mendonsa
gloria and sue wright's new, flower shop
| By andym | 10:07 AM
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Comments
It was so good to see you yesterday. I love you all and am praying for you.
Posted by: Lauren Bosworth at November 20, 2007 07:28 AM
You don't know me, but I have been reading this blog and gleaning encouragement from your family's story for almost a year. May God bless you and give you the courage needed to make the holiday season a time of joy and thanksgiving.
Posted by: Sarah at November 24, 2007 06:59 PM
Glo, Andy, and Asher, I think about you a lot, but you have been brought to mind the past couple of weeks several times a day. Thank you Andy for sharing your heart and some of the realities of your lives now. When you share, I know even better how to pray. Love you guys so much! Rhonda
Posted by: Rhonda Finley at November 29, 2007 11:23 PM
Dear Andy, Gloria and Asher,
It is always a privilege to come to this site and hear the expressions of your heart. I often weep as I read about the loss of Hadrienne and how your lives have gone on but always bearing the pain of loss. I will always remember meeting her in the Pre-K class at LMPC with our daughter, Leah. Someday we will embrace her in heaven and see the tapestry that God has woven.
Happy anniversary! Mark and I celebrate our 30th
this month.
Love and prayers, Rose Davis Arlington, MA
Posted by: Rose Davis at December 11, 2007 05:41 PM
I would like to reach out to you.
I have been reading your posts the last two years and have felt for you and thought a lot about you all.
My husband was injured at age 15
C5 quad complete.
Growing up we didn't have many people using chairs that seemed to be living very fulfilled lives as an example of what life still could be.
Since my husband's injury he graduated high school on time, completed college, lived independently managing his own care, and we became married nearing on 9 years. He works a full time job, in the last five years has also been driving with adaptive controls. We have remodeled a house and are very happy. He doesn't like to be called an inspiration but his very existance has inspired many to think of people with disabilities in a new way, not only that we have know 2 more individuals that have had nearly identical injuries that have looked to him for what life can be and are now settled in the idea that their lives may not be on the same path they once thought it would, and there are some very hard road blocks that come along but it is possible to have a good quality life and happiness.
For my husband I think all the difference has been going off to college just a couple of years after his injury, this is the same for our other friend with a similar injury. managing your own care and finding ways to do things on your own again, is a big relief on caregivers and the individual. This life is still so new for you all. At first people treated him with kid gloves... in a since taking away the way a young man should be treated or would be treated. The first three years were very difficult. but it does get easier. You have had such a depth of pain so quickly and close together I can't imagine your shell shock. Gratitude for your son at least being with you but a mourning for a life that isn't going to be the same as well as your beautiful daughter being taken by a selfish driver.
On a human to human level, I ache a deep ache for what you have been through. I can't imagine it. I know you can't either. You get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other. Even if a zombie like state...I'm grateful that you are here and writing about your experiences as you may possibly be helping others, even if it isn't something you signed up to do.
Your son will find a way. He still can do a lot in life.
I wish you the best and hope that you have moments of reprieve.
peace
Posted by: lisa thompson at December 26, 2007 03:01 PM
