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March 29, 2006
Almost Home, 12 AM, March 29, 2006
it's hard to believe that our house has gone from what it looked like (above) when the tree fell on it, to the way it looks today. how does one possibly offer or express enough thanks for something like this, to all those that have made this possible, and especially to god.
i think it is finally going it happen, moving back into our home. we really should be able to move our things back in the next 2 weeks, if not sooner. as you can see from the last picture above the outside of the house has been finished except for the gutters. the center dormer is actually the tower that was built to house an elevator for asher to be able to get up to the second floor. the left side of the back of the house is where asher's new bathroom, with a roll in shower, is located.
picture on the right is the entryway into the bathroom that leads from asher's new bedroom downstairs. the picture on the left is the left side of this room.
asher is continuing his rehab at siskin, here in chattanooga. he goes 3 afternoons a week for physical and occupational therapy. he seems to really like his new therapist.
gloria and i, in addition to taking care of asher, which takes a lot of our day and night are also trying to help out with getting our house ready to move into. there have been a lot of decisions that we have been able to be in on now that we are back in town, which has been really helpful and hopefully moved the process along quicker than if we were not.
life in chattanooga, now that we are back, i am not certain how to describe or explain. everything is familiar and mostly the same outside of our lives, and yet almost everything in our lives is not. every day, whether it is in the hotel, traveling around town, going to our house, and especially passing by the cemetary ( which is in the neighborhood where we live) the past sometimes wispers to us and at other times screams so loud that it is impossible to concentrate on anything else. even moving back into our house brings with it a finality of the reality of the unbearable loss of our daughter, hadrienne. i cannot remember a day since we have been back that tears have not been a part of it. especially at night, just before going to sleep, with everything still and quiet the images of loss, beginning with the delivery room where she was born and ending with memories of her after her life support was turned off, play to a voice in my head that tells me that i must do this so that i won't forget a single memory of her. not even a single second of a memory. if i can hold onto them, it is like there is a completeness of her even in her absence. yet, i also know that i can't remember her back. she is beyond all physical reality.
Hadrienne Kathleen Mendonsa
December 30, 1985-November 19, 2005
the first of May, near the town of kisumu, kenya, there will be a dedication service for the Hadrienne Kathleen Mendonsa Widow's Prayer and Ministry Center, which is about 75% complete as i am writing this. in addition 10 widow's homes are also being constructed right now, in this same area, in hadrienne's memory as well.
i had hoped to attend the dedication service, but will have to postpone going there until, at least, late spring or early summer at the earliest.
this is the most recent picture i have received from joshua and abigael atieno, who are over Widow's Harvest Africa, and who are responsible for the design and construction of this Center.
we continue to remain thankful for so many who have helped us to make it through all that we have been through since asher fell. i truly wish that it was possible to name everyone and the many incredible ways we have been helped and encouraged.
i am particularly thankful to god who remains faithful to me and my family even when i don't have the strength, desire or will to be faithful to him. with everything in our lives having been changed in such unbelievably drastic ways in such a relatively short time, it has caused me to realize the only thing that we can count on not changing, now, or for ever, is god. he remains constant and true in fulfilling all that he has promised us.
since hadrienne was killed it has been hard to know what to pray or to even be able to pray at times. it has been hard more often than not to even think about giving thanks. it is so much easier to just think about giving up, especially when the increased degrees of difficulty that life has become never let up. there is no place to run and no place to hide. it is there staring us in the face both when we wake up and when you go to sleep.
we have this idea, and i think it is more of a western idea, especially an idea in this country, that given enough time everything will be alright. the truth is, and i am realizing this more and more, things may not be alright (atleast not until we have broken the bonds of our human condition). things may not get easier (except in the sense that all situations and conditions become relative). we may not ever be able to get used to the hard circumstances that we now live in. we may not even be able to endure them for as long as we might need to just because of our age and the physical conditons that go along with it. that is certainly not something that we are looking forward to, nor are the prospects of this particularly comforting for those around us either. which becomes more and more evident with each day we make it through.
those that we still hear from it is a blessing, indeed. those who continue to pray for us know that it is what is getting us through each day. those who call and leave messages when they can't reach me/us, and express that it is not necessary for me/us to return the call (the same for emails that are sent) a double blessing.
there are many times that i want to return calls, or reply to emails, but just can't, for reasons i can't necessarily justify or explain other than to say that i just can't. and i honestly don't know, in each instance, whether i will be able to or not, because it depends completely on the moment. one thing i have become fairly certain of, though, is that if i don't respond immediately, more times than not i won't respond at all. in this i have been so greatful to so many for your understanding.
over the weeks and months i have thought a lot about faith, my faith/our faith, and particularly about it in the context of the belief that so many have expressed to us, both personally as well in written form, about their perception of our faith being so great based on how we have been able to handle all that we have been through.
i think a good many of those perceptions have to do with the fact that none of us, looking on from the outside, could possibly imagine how we could endure circumstances like the ones that we have had to face over and over since asher's accident. to be perfectly honest, being on the inside, we can't possibly imagine it either. this is something we have not chosen, and therefore, puts it into a different category of faith than the faith that it takes when we choose to do something that from the very outset seems to lie in the realm of impossibility, without the intervention of the divine.
something else that i think is seldom realized about faith, both in facing overwelming circumstances, whether by choice, or by fate, is that faith is generally the outcome of walking through such infernos and not only finding ourselves intact on the other side, but also finding ourselves with a greater trust in god.
to be completely honest, and i do not say this with an ounce of humilty, i have felt very weak and almost completely lacking in the ways that we typically view faith based on our understanding of it in today's culturally faithbased perspective of health, wealth and prosperity for the truly "faithful."
if this is how we look at faith in this culture, and it seems to be more than not, then i think all of us would have to honestly confess that jesus got it wrong. he neither had wealth or prosperity, and even if he did enjoy good health for much of his life, that was put to an end before his life was over. jesus never had a church building, or an office that i know of. he had some funds to work with, but apparently judas was stealing from them.
if nothing else, after all that we have been through, the question continues to over take my thoughts as i find myself being drawn back into the material world, and at a surprisingly quick pace at that, why is it that we hold in such reverence and awe those who abandoned all that they either did have or could have of this world in order to give themselves over to a greater good in the service of their fellow man and woman kind, and yet, at the same time, we aspire to just the opposite? even when we know that history is far more kind, let alone eternity, to the former.
blessings and thanksgiving,
praying for the peace of jerusalem,
andy mendonsa
| By Andy Mendonsa | 01:21 AM
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Comments
Andy, Gloria and Asher,
Ironically, some would say, providentially I think, your most recent posting comes on the 20th anniversary of the death of our beloved young son Rob. Your words were wonderful; we share your loss in so many ways and continue to pray for you regularly. I will never fully understand why our families were brought together, or why our precious Hadrienne and Rob share the same resting place. But I do know we have a powerful and loving God who does understand. We love you.
Posted by: Bob Bosworth at March 29, 2006 11:34 AM
Andy,
We have been keeping you, Gloria & Asher in our prayers daily. Thanks so much for the update.
Posted by: Christie Rodgers at March 29, 2006 02:20 PM
Dear Andy and Gloria,
I am so happy to see you are still on the website. I have been checking every day hoping to hear how all is going with you. Jeff gives me whatever he learns but I've known in my heart that you were in heavy times. Buck and I pray each night during our prayer time for you and Asher.
I know that being back in your own home with things easier for Asher's care will decrease your burden somewhat and I am so glad that is within weeks of happening.
You are so right about faith in circumstances we have no control over, Andy. But, I believe that we express our faith in how we react to those circumstances. Sometimes, all we can do is just stand.
As to the future, do not be anxious, God will provide.
We continue to pray for God's mercy and His loving presence to surround you with that love.
Peggy Thompson
Posted by: Peggy Thompson at March 29, 2006 09:06 PM
It is good to read more from you. I'm glad that you are making such good progress on the house. I am praying for you.
Posted by: Tracy at March 29, 2006 11:05 PM
Andy, Gloria, & Asher,
I'm one of your neighbors (4812 Ala)
I just wanted to say it's nice to see your home finally coming together. I know your lives will never be as they were, but at least you have will have your home, each other and a multitude of people who care for and about you, and most importantly a God who will see you through each day. I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you in every way possible.
Peace, Lynn
Posted by: Lynn Newell at March 30, 2006 01:17 PM
i can't imagine.............i fear to imagine.............still lifting you up.
Posted by: jackie at March 30, 2006 01:51 PM
Andy and Gloria -
Peggy Thompson's comment really says what I think of when I think about the faith that you guys have exhibited...you've expressed your faith by how you have reacted to the circumstances of your lives over the past several months. Yes, absolutely, sometimes all we can do is stand. And when we feel that we can't stand anymore, thankfully the Lord puts us on the hearts of an intercessor and at some point we realize that we are still standing...
I check the blog daily and pray for you guys all of the time.
Laura Lillard
Posted by: Laura Lillard at March 30, 2006 03:06 PM
It's great to see your recent message.
GOD is working, and prayer is answered
if HIS perfect time. Love from Florida.
Posted by: grace at March 31, 2006 12:11 PM
Dear Andy, Gloria, and Asher, I am thinking of you so much as Easter approaches. Jack and I still pray for you every night before his bedtime.
Love, Susan Bosworth
Posted by: Susan Bosworth at April 7, 2006 09:06 PM
Andy, Gloria and Asher,
How good good it was to read the most recent posting. Thank you, Andy, for sharing your heart with us and also for giving us updated news. Words have always been precious to me, but in many ways words fail me as I continually remember you and as I try to reply to your posting. At night, when I walk my dogs, I think of you and pray, sometimes conversationally asking the Lord to be with you and to help and comfort you. Sometimes my prayers are just groans, more often than not, they take the form of a simple crying out of your dear names, knowing God knows you and all of your needs so intimately and trusting that He cares for you. When I cry out your names I am always overwhelmed with love for you. I know that I love you as friends and "brothers" but I also believe some of the overwhelming love which flows out of me for you must be God's love for you, shared with me, and poured out in my heart. When I cry Gloria's name I always, without exception, long to wrap my arms around her which I haven't been able to do for some time. When I have not been able to hug Gloria I've asked the Lord to cover her with His wings. I know He does. Driving past our old duplex, down Alabama Ave, past CCS and especially past Forest Hills is so bittersweet. I drive by the cemetary so often, stabbed with pain and loss, but also stabbed with heavenly joy. I am reminded that our earthly life is so brief and temporary, and I am filled with wonder that Hadrienne's unimaginable heavenly life has already begun and that though her loss among us is so wrenching, Hadrienne herself is as the Lord showed her to Andy--joyful, contented and in perfect peace int he presence of our Lord. I think of her and thank God for her indescribably precious life and wonder to Him, "How long?". Mr. Schmidt once said (I'm paraphrasing) that we hurt so much at good-byes because we love the ones we bid farewell to so dearly their presence makes a hole among us. I think all of us who love you will always grieve for Hadrienne, we'll always miss her and feel her absence, until we see her and Jesus face to face. I ask the Lord to help you remember her precious time here as Andy wrote about so beautifully. May He help you to live by His grace in the mean time in the here and now, and to jjoyfully anticipate the hope of our future, heavenly reunions. Much love and many prayers. Elsa
Posted by: Elsa at April 13, 2006 02:55 PM
P.S. Blessed Easter. I think of Jesus tenderly giving John and Mary to care for each other as family because of the sadness of His leaving them. May we care for each other more and more.
Posted by: Elsa at April 13, 2006 03:14 PM
Dear Andy, Gloria and Asher,
As I think about tomorrow, I think about last Easter - the first Easter since I lost my son, Dante. As I'm sure Penny has told you, the sancutary at Grace UMC on Easter Sunday is too beautiful to describe. When I walked into that magnificent room last year the thought went through my mind that if Grace is this beautiful, imagine what Heaven looks like today. And my son is there! He's there in the very sanctuary that Jesus enters into on this Resurrection morning.
That was the morning that I truly saw the reality of heaven and when my grief over losing Dante began to move from grief over his not being here to grief that I wasn't THERE. It was the beginning of true peace over the sadness of my son's life and death.
My prayer for all of you is that when you see the beauty of Resurrection morning tomorrow, you will receive the same peace that I did.
Also, thank you for your words to Penny about my situation with the mother of the girl killed with Dante. They truly helped.
Cynthia Bartlett
Posted by: Cynthia Bartlett at April 15, 2006 08:36 AM
