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August 19, 2005
"This is Hell," August 19, 2 PM
one of the last things asher said to me last night before i left him was "this is hell." i think by the time i reached the elevators i was holding back the tears until i could reach my car in the parking garage. i am very thankful that an old and dear friend happened to call me on my way out. calls from him are scarce (calls from me to him are even scarcer). this call, no doubt had God's providence written all over it. the person i am talking about is brother eugene gizzi. just brother gene to those who know him well. i count it an extreme privilege to say that i know him well and have known him well since 1979. brother gene is an alexian brother (religious order), and i met him at the alexian brother's nursing home on signal mountain, near chattanooga, not too long after i had graduated from the university of georgia and moved to chattanooga the first time.
over the years i have come to think of brother gene as my adopted dad and he simlarly considers me to be his adopted son. so, when i heard his voice, not only was it familiar and instantly comforting it also resonated in my soul in a way that could have otherwise only been stirred by the heavenly voice of an angel. but then again, brother gene, in his life long devotion to be a healing presence in the lives of untold numbers of infirmed souls, has always been, from my perspective, more heavenly good than earthly minded. and that is why, i know, that God knew brother gene would be His best servant agent at that particular time to bring me through that moment. what good and gracious gifts our heavenly Father gives right at the moment we need them. as my widows are always reminding me: "God is an on time God." Indeed He is.
after i had shared with brother gene, not as much the difficulty that asher is having as he faces the reality of being a parapalegic, possibly for the rest of his life, but the difficulty i am having as i try and relate to what it must be like for him to be facing this. i can't imagine no matter how hard i try and put myself in his place, no matter how long i try and lie awake at night in bed and hold myself as still as possible, only moving my head, i still know in my head that i can move around and get up whenever i want to.
there were many comforting words that brother gene shared with me, but perhaps the most comforting words were not for me but for asher. his last words were for me to let asher know the very first thing the next morning that brother gene was going to devote every minute of his entire day to praying for asher. sometimes asher seems to find comfort when either we or others share that there are so many who are praying for him not only just in chattanooga, but literally all around the world. other times, though, asher does not respond well to this or, for that matter, anything having to do with faith at all, so i really didn't know what asher's response might be to the message that brother gene wanted me to give to him. i was not certain whether he would even remember who brother gene was.
the first thing i did when i came to the hospital at 7 AM this morning to feed asher was to ask him how he was doing and to tell him about my call from brother gene the night before. first, asher let me know that he was doing pretty good and he thought that he had slept through most of the night. there is really no way of knowing, though, how accurate the last part of his answer was. after that brief exchange i asked him if he remembered who brother gene was. i waited. then the good news came, "yes," he did remember, and he even wanted to know why i was asking. so, i told him about his call last night and that he wanted me to let asher know that he would be praying for him every single minute of the day today. first, asher raised his eyebrows (anyone who knows asher at all knows the raised eyebrow look), then he said, "really," and i said "yes, really." he paused for a minute, cocked his head as if contemplating what i had said, pushed his bottom lip up into his top lip with his chin which caused both lips to be pushed out momentarily, and finally said, "that's pretty cool." which were exactly my thoughts when i heard brother gene tell me that the night before.
brother gene's prayers have truly been felt and realized throughout the day today and even though it is not over yet i am optimistic for the outcome of the rest of it as well. also, please know that asher's statement to me last night describing what he was feeling in no way characterizes the daily progress that asher is making as a result of the therapies he is undergoing throughout each day. based on his most recent medical assessment, given his prognosis for not being able to look forward to living independently without the miraculous occurring, asher is working very hard and has a strong determination to improve himself as much as his injuries will allow, but this does not mean that life as he knows it right now is not a hellish existence, and understandably so.
our continued blessings and thanksgiving to you all for all your prayers. we are so grateful for all of them and we want you to know that we are continuing to be carried through each hour of each day by them. asher's completion date for the therapy program he is in right now is october 4, with an out patient program to follow where we will all be able to live in the same place and bring asher to the shepherd center each day. his insurance benefits right now, though, run out september 7. there are several options that we are pursuing in order to be able to extend our coverage through his entire stay here, so, i guess what i am saying is that we really need prayer for this.
just a quick note on our house. to date, construction, rather reconstruction, has not begun yet, but we are getting really close. i think in another week everything should come together in order for this to start. we are thankful, indeed.
being blessed in the midst of our continuing walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
andy mendonsa
| By Andy Mendonsa | 02:33 PM
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Comments
prayer is the work GOD has given us;
prayer can storm the gates of HEAVEN.
ask and it shall be given.
we can trust HIM to give what is best
in HIS time -- the right time.
a recent church sign in orlando said,
"a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor."
Asher and all, please pray for part of our family in pittsburgh;
they are being beseiged with miles of very rough sea.
"and the LORD restored Job's losses
when he prayed for his friends." Job 42:10
Posted by: grace at August 20, 2005 10:56 AM
a week ago, i was riding along through tennessee, looking out the car window,
and suffering a battle raging in my mind;
there's nowhere to go when the battlefront is located there--except to GOD, of course.
suddenly, maybe 50-100 yards across a grassy stretch, at the edge of a forest was a huge orthodox icon:
the face of JESUS and HIS hand raised.
Underneath was: "PEACE. BE STILL."
i almost gasped out loud and felt it had been put there just for me to get a glimpse of at a needy moment.
since then, those words keep coming to mind whenever problems bubble up.
Posted by: grace at August 20, 2005 11:33 AM
Hi Asher, Andy, Gloria & Hadrienne,
If it brings you comfort to be reminded, allow me to remind you once again. You are in our hearts and prayers always, daily. It's like a subconscious prayer that any moment my/our brain relaxes you all come to the foreground. Christina and I've talked about it as a prayer without ceasing. Slowly I realize more and more prayer is unleashing the power of God. And may you all find comfort, peace and rest in HIM. Shalom JAN
Posted by: Jan Moore at August 21, 2005 01:45 AM
I have asked God to teach me how to pray without ceasing. While i know i have much yet to learn, reading one of the previous comments makes me realize that He is doing that through my praying for all of you. For me as well, whenever immediate needs around me quiet down; Cailin's naptime, while driving the 15 minutes between home & town, before i sleep at night, when Cailin wakes me through the night... you are in the foreground of my thoughts, & prayers.
I love all of you, louise
Posted by: Louise Tucker at August 21, 2005 03:16 AM
I'm going to try to come by sometime today.
Posted by: caitlin at August 21, 2005 10:40 AM
When I read Andy's post about trying to relate to what Asher is experiencing but knowing he could only go so far, it echoed what I've been feeling while weeping with you as you weep. So many of us love you and have you in our daily, if not hourly or more often prayers. We try to imagine how this has changed all of your lives, especially Asher's, but we really can't. "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy." Proverbs 14:10. We only get glimpses, and as much as we carry you in our hearts, we have our own lives, distractions and sufferings. But I was thinking how wonderful it is that the One to whom we intercede on your behalf truly does know your every need. And He loves you and is mighty to save. I don't think we really have much of a clue of how big He is. Knowing He calls each star by name, and numbers each hair of our heads gives us little glimpses, but I don't think we really grasp the enormity of this. I'm sure this is more "hellish" for Asher than I can imagine. But thank God, even this terrible suffering is not pure hell because the thing that makes hell, what it is, is the absence of God Himself. And God is with you! This suffering, though some of it may well be lifelong and harder than anything I can imagine, will prove to be temporal. I've been thinking of Job's wonderful words (after immeasurable suffering) "Yet in my flesh I will see my God." I've been remembering the agony and despair of Good Friday being overtaken by Easter morning, even though this surely seemed impossible on Saturday. These truths make me tremble, because "our light and momentary sufferings often seem "heavy and eternal" when we are in the midst of them, but they also comfort me. I have lived through suffering that threatened to destroy me. I have been sorely tempted to give up. I have begged God to take me Home rather than leave me in such pain. But I have also experienced gifts of unexpected, impossible relief. Not always complete healing or removal of pain, here on this earth, but times of refreshment (even in the midst of suffering) and the sure promise of the coming day when He will wipe every tear from our eyes. We don't always understand the reasons for our pain, and it is sobering to think what Christ and the Father suffered in order to redeem us. But how wonderful to pray to this same God Who is not distant or removed from our suffering. We pray in Jesus' Name, the Man of Sorrows, Who was well acquainted with grief, and Who loved us enough to suffer and endure what was unbearable for us. We leave you, continually in His nail-scarred, resurrected hands.
Posted by: Elsa Stewart at August 22, 2005 11:06 AM
my heart hurts for your entire family in your journey towards rebuilding a new life, not the one you had all planned for ashers life...as with my son kirk, the pain is a different kind of hell each day but we are attempting to rebuild a quality life for kirk and celebrate all baby steps towards rehabilataton...the isolation, depression, and frustration for kirk not being able to express verbally his thoughts, difficulty in reading, writing , and the loss of his right hand when he had such a promising future is heartbreaking for our family to say the least...but life goes on and i have finally came to realization that at some point it's not just about us...god saved kirk for a reason 9-11-04 and through this pain maybe god will lead us to opportunities to help others in crisis...i would still like to visit and take you all out for lunch in atlanta if you desire...don't give up your hope for a miracle with so much new stem cell research not using embryos...your faith and witness is uplifting ...prayers and blessings...kathy wilder 432-8570
Posted by: kathy wilder at August 23, 2005 09:37 AM
